by Kristen McCalla

A year has passed since I last sat down at my desk to write this column. A long year, filled with a surplus (to put it lightly) of opportunities for learning experiences and personal growth. I have always felt that the Universe – or God – gives in abundance to those who are open to its gifts. I have learned, as each of has or each of us will, these gifts are not always given in a way that seems easy, natural, or even fair; quite the opposite, really. The gifts of the Universe, or God’s gifts, usually arrive in perceived contention. Perhaps on the lighter side of the scale, via an argument, a stubbed toe, or a slight lapse of judgment. They can also arrive however, in much more intense or shocking ways such as abuse, a death of a loved one, or worse.

Many of you I am sure, are wondering how I could possibly claim that these negative and sometimes even traumatic events could be portrayed as ‘gifts’. I do not claim to have answers for every circumstance in every life, but what I can say for me and in my life is I have received many gifts from extremely difficult life lessons. The greatest I have received yet, is the Gift of Self.

I describe Self as the ability to love and to nurture my body, mind, and soul; to take life’s sometimes unexpected turns in stride, with patience and presence and humility. I was not always privy to this ‘Self’. For many years I was profoundly angry. I was angry at the world for its unjust and inhumane nature; angry at those who had violated my sacred Self. The anger and sadness I held within me expressed itself in many ways, and permeated through my actions- even through my loving aspirations and inclination toward advocating for those in need. I was simply not able to give or to love completely. There was always something holding me back, not allowing me to engage with my entirety. Maybe if I just keep giving, I would think, I can make a difference and the world will right itself. I was right in that through love and through giving, I could and did make a difference. But at the end of the day I would find myself depleted, with nothing left for anybody or anything else. What I did not understand then however, is that in order to fully love or to wholly give, one must heal ones’ Self.

I began my road to healing my Self with the appetite for helping others. I believed then as I do now, that to be of service to humanity in whatever form one chooses, is the highest form of love and the best action we can take in this life. Of course in order to do this, we must first heal ourselves. My journey was confusing, formidable, and at times painful, riddled with contorted twists and tiring turns with every step that I took. I allowed myself to stay open to the Universe, and to the lesson I knew was somewhere in the labyrinth of experience. I met fascinating people who had suffered differently and more severely than me, who had come through their tunnel and made it to the other side with joy! What inspiration it is to see how we, as humans, can alter suffering’s course and transform it into bliss! I learned more about compassion, more about love, grace and humility, and the art of empathy during this past year, than at any other time in my life.

Now when I give, whether it’s my time or my love, I give from a place that is pure and powerful. Now when I serve my community, I do it altruistically, presently, with purity and authenticity. I have learned that giving to your Self and taking responsibility for your life is the best contribution you can make to this world. It keeps giving, infinitely. Gandhi once said, “Be the change you wish to see in this world”. He was right. Embody it. Embody your Self, and watch as your world changes. Watch the reflection of your unique abilities everywhere you go. Give to yourself in order to give to others.